On Being Not Good Enough

“Yes, sex is cool. But have you ever sat in darkness, wondering why you’re not good enough?”

With great trepidation is how I live my days. I feel anxious pretty much about everything. And having self-doubt attached makes it even worse. 

Just yesterday, my scholarship application got rejected. Again. To be honest, this is actually my scenario. I wait the committee’s E-mail with the worst-case scenario running in my mind. I was doubting myself for getting accepted from the very first time. But even tho I was prepared with their answer on my application, I still can not hold myself back to cry for hours. 

One thing leads to another. The rejection causes domino effect. 

After being told by the ex-boss in the past that depressed people are not able to work, this rejection is not only effecting my visa planning, but somehow also affirming my self-doubt on being capable to work on something. I really can not trust myself if I could support myself. More than that, it’s even harder to imagine myself continuing my education, and worst now I doubt myself if I could put on a good show or even the show itself for my solo exhibition next month. 

If I really wanted to go to school again, I need to prepare hard cash for my visa which the amount is not small at all. It’s not that I didn’t save up as back up plan if I got rejected. But my back up plans used to help my parents back then. And I can not forcing them to magically come to me next week with the exact sum of money. I run some scenarios in my mind at this moment. But it just gets on my nerve and makes me more freak out. All that’s left now is just my head thinking that I can not make all of this thing happen cause I am not good enough at the first place.