What’s a panic attack? One of mine is someone invading my brain, trying to rearrange my state of mind. I have this problem almost with everyone. Even I complained my shrink when I think she starts disrupting what’s in my head.
The most sensitive topic, of course.. feelings. Not only romantic feeling, but in general such as confusion, anger, sadness, surprisingly.. even happiness. And I realised this few days ago when I chat with a guy I knew from a dating app.
Yes, I’m on the dangerous game called online dating.
After my shutdown caused by the broken heart I wrote on my previous post. My friend suggested me to reinstall OKCupid in mission to find distractions, and hopefully forget my romantic feeling I have towards my really good friend. I thought I was done with online dating. The routines of swiping, reading profiles, introductions, and all the same shits different people tires me. But, I still gave it a go and see how it works this time.
Long story short, I stumbled upon with this guy. A photographer. He greeted me with Bahasa Indonesia, good simple basic moves. As the first person greeted me in Bahasa Indonesia, I swiped right on him. Pretty interesting person, and and a really affectionate one. Probably the most affectionate guy I’ve ever encounter. I don’t know if he really interested in me or just because he’s an Italian. (Hey dude, if you read this post, I’m so sorry. Even if you said you really like me, I don’t know what you really have in mind so I still have this bad stereotyping in my mind).
But I’m not here to talk about him. So let’s jump to few days ago.
After intense chats and video calls, I started to feel terrified. It feels like someone learn about me too fast and skilfully putting himself to my relationship-zone. I’m glad that someone has been acting so lovely to me, but it doesn’t feel right. At all. All of these zones of friends, colleagues, partner, friends, or family are organised as their own parts of my state of mind. So, when someone accidentally (in my mind) trying to sneak in themselves to one of it, especially, positioning themselves as a partner, I panic myself, terribly.
I don’t have the guts to really told him to slow down. I mean, I told him that, but still in ‘hehe-hehe-lol’ mode. Not as straightforward as all these European girls.
I automatically told him I’m still on my broken heart state. He asked me if I’m trying to pushing him away. What he said brought my confusing indecisive behaviour. And this just gave me major panic attack for the last few days. In my head, I know that my mind won’t be with him sooner and that’s why I told him about it. But maybe, just maybe, he’s right and I might did that to subconsciously push him away.
I’m glad someone acts so affectionately cause it’s been a while. But admitting this just terrifies me.
Apart from my broken heart, this terrifying moments make me think.. that I probably not ready to have anyone on my relationship-zone at this moment.
Should I really take a break from all kinds of dating?
Tidak ada komentar:
Posting Komentar