On Love

Who knows, sadness and anger make me feel so alive.

For someone who is afraid of commitment, I am probably one of those naive people who just love too much. With many B-rated failed love stories behind, I’m surprisingly still letting myself fall for someone so easily. Every time I fall for someone, I secretly laughed and told myself ‘again, being too easy to feed your inner teenager. Feeling lighter in a blink and sink for many years ahead’ 

There are no formula for feelings nor relationships. And every crushes have their own story and level of intimacy. 

I recently experienced the one of the most confusing crush. Where I can’t really describe how it really feels. I fell for a really good friend of mine. And I know that I will fall for him from the very first time we know each other. This feeling towards him felt like when someone decided to make a Sharknado movie. It’s a really bad idea, it’s good. 

He doesn’t want a commitment. I don’t know what’s really on his mind. He did tell me about this, but well I can’t read someone else’s mind. But he said he just decided not wanting it with anyone. At least for now (He did not said this part, but I’m sure anyone would open themselves by the time they know with whom who they want to be together or when the person is worthy enough the hassle). 

But, I’ve never been so open to someone, literally and figuratively. 

Ironically, not being in a commitment with him is a big commitment. A serious one. At least for me. I keep making myself not wanting a commitment in order to be able to go out with him. It’s been almost a year since I had this, and day by day, it’s just making me more confuse. And in this golden time of suicide, to take my own life seems always on top of my how to deal with it. To deal with the confusion, heart break, anger, the caring, the love, shortly: both good and bad vibes.

I need to keep myself sane, and I need to save my life. But to let go feels so wrong. I don’t believe myself to talk about this publicly. I’m shaking typing this. And to admit this.  I’ve never been this confuse.