A friend of a friend is a depression survivor. She shared her stories to their meditation class about her lack of memory during her severe depression time. By the time my friend told me her story, I finally understand why I don’t remember many of my days.
I am lack of traces of my past.
Other than that, I finally got the explanation on why my past relationships sucks big time. My memory mixed up. I was probably just hallucinating and created my scenarios the whole time.
Did my relationships even real?
Guilty feeling covers and strangle me as I write this post. Now I am imagining what was really happened the whole time during my bad days? All I remember was the feeling. The feeling of getting hurt, confusion, the headache as I cried nights and days. But I can’t remember what had happened.
No wonder my friend told me I am inconsistent.
It is not impossible that maybe.. just maybe, I am not trying to update my point of view. I probably made the statement and just forget it. I probably don’t even care what I said. Probably I was just spitted it out without even remember that somebody else is listening.
My memory follows how I feel.
It means, I can remember If I feel good. If I feel what’s happening around me is interesting. If I know everything is in order. If I can manage how I feel through out the day.
I know I need to know what happened, but I am too afraid. I am too afraid to know the truth. I am too afraid if later, I end up just draining my energy and still not remember a thing.
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