For the last three years, I was just dating around without having any intention to be serious with a guy. But last month, I decided that I’m ready to be in relationship again and say yes to a guy I met in Kit Kat two months ago.
Our young relationship filled with up and downs already. Most of the time, the ups come from him and the downs come from me who is still struggling with traumas and depression. He’s been super kitschy and been making me feel like I am the coolest girl on earth. Shortly: he’s been great.
But the last two-three weeks my depression has been acting up again. The voices come and talk to me again and giving me dangerous ideas to how I could just end my life and scare me so that I feel afraid to go to office, to do my uni projects, or to simplify: to interact with other.
Last one week, I cry almost everyday. In the office, home, train, bus, you mention. Feeling down and scared are just my two moods. My boyfriend tried to make me smile again, but at the end of the day, I just feel numb or down. I feel sorry for him for having such a depressed girlfriend. But I hope he won’t run away.
I tried to write my thoughts and analyse why these depression and bad mood come when I supposed to be really happy (because of honeymoon phase with new bf). I end up with nothing. But one thing I know for sure is: It’s been hard to let someone knows me better and letting them close to me. It’s hard to let myself be fragile around him.
