Depressed people are not lazy, they are (probably) lack of motivation.

I guess all of us deserve a medal or trophy every time we successfully wake up and go out of bed. As written in my last post, wanting to wake up is another story I have to encounter each day. For me it’s not just the matter of following the urge to be a couch potato or procrastinating our tasks, but willing to wake up to live and to live my days. 

Not many realizes that to fight it takes so much courage and energy. And yes, it makes us seen as lazy normies. Yet, what is unseen is our drained energy to fight our brain and it’s evil fuelled thoughts. And what helps (a bit) to win it, is motivation. 

My morning routine is started with one 20 mg mood stabiliser. 

I can’t deny, it feels like having a game shark permanently plugged in on my playstation console. The your highness mood is getting better and it swings rarely and under good control. But to feel motivated is the whole different case. 

Apart from my activity as an artist, you could say that I’m currently a jobless. I have no income to support myself and I have to go back to my parents. And many of my personal relationships sink in to deep shit hole. In the morning, my energy already consumed to fight any thoughts about being a failure. It never really disappears, but it usually fades as the sun rise up. With not much left, I need to fight my anxiety. My anxiety to face people, to meet people. My anxious feeling towards being judged, or terrified on making mistakes, or simply to speak up and communicating with other. At random times, if I’m lucky enough, I will have extra battle with my suicidal thoughts. You can not fight it like fighting your influenza. The only thing that you can do is to wait for it to steps away a lil bit. Each day I forced myself to deal with it, and at the end of the day to be able to go through it feels like finishing a Mario kart race without mistakenly see other people’s screen.

At this moment, I’m pretty lucky to have my family supporting and helping to drag me out of the slump. They help me survive until this very second. Maybe I still cannot define what is actually motivation or being motivated. One thing for sure, it’s not motivational quote. But I guess motivation is something that worth to be waited, or be done. Something to look forward to each day. And mine at the moment is to discover whether I get through my day. breathing.